Before I turn 31, I want to star in one of those television commercials for an embarrassing medical condition. Like incontinence or ED. Or both!

Before I turn 31, I want to sneak onstage at a major awards show when someone is accepting work and just act like I'm supposed to be there.

Before I turn 31, I want to record an entire rap album without using an autotune. That seems to be an impossible feat these days.

Before I turn 31, I want to spend just one day as Andy Roddick. "Being John Malkovich" style. So I could get some quality time with Brookyln Decker.

Before I turn 31, I want to memorize all of the lyrics to "We Didn't Start The Fire" by Billy Joel and perform it flawlessly at a karaoke bar while hammered out of my mind.

Before I turn 31, I want to memorize the entire movie, Dumb & Dumber, line for line. And then spend an entire week talking to people using ONLY lines from that movie. Whether they make sense or not.

Before I turn 31, I want to grow out a mustache and somehow get both Tom Selleck and Geraldo Rivera in the same room so we can all take a Three Amigos style mustache photo. I will then frame that photo and keep it on my mantel for the rest of my life.

Before I turn 31, I want to die my hair purple and go to walmart wearing yellow pants, a green spandex shirt, and a pink tutu. Then go around sniffing people and telling them they smell like bacon.

Before I turn 31, I want to sneak myself and a fake camera crew onto the red carpet of a major entertainment awards show and call everyone EXCEPT celebrities over for interviews. Just to see if they get insecure.

Before I turn 31, I want to break up Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin so I can marry her. Seriously. I'm just as famous as that guy is these days. This isn't 1991, Macaulay.

Before I turn 31, I want to enter a Japanese style restaurant dressed in the Uma Thurman/Kill Bill yellow biker suit just to see if everyone would scatter out of fear.

Before I turn 31, I want to hire a few people for about a week to come up to me at various public places and beg me for my autograph. Then I want to see if anyone else asks for one just cause they awesome I'm a "somebody'.

Before I turn 31, I want to go to the next circus that comes to town and have a creepy clown intervention. "Listen, guys, there's a way to do this thing without being so damn creepy...Go light on the makeup, easy with those pies, and for the love of god, stop honking those stupid horns."

Before I turn 31, I want to be one of the famous American Idol rejects. Like the 'Pants on the Ground' Guy or William Hung.

Before I turn 31, I want to have a similar mindset as Conan O'Brien, "I hate cynicism -- it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."